Industry Icon Clive Davis, 93, Reportedly ‘Toying Around’ with ‘Idea of Bi-Sexuality’

SatireDecember 2020

BRENTWOOD, CA → When it comes to “looking fly, how it went” and “when the fuck it all went down,” Clive “Bee Trap” Davis was always in on the latest trends. The always-natty nonagenarian, seen here scamming on some Tig Ol Bitties is “just exploring right now” he says (pictured above), standing next to “a friend.”

Staunchly averse to what is known in the community as “penetrative, anal-receptive sex,” the multi-platinum Grammy-winner and media mogul (worth roughly $850 million dollars!) has a trophy room where, among his countless awards in prestige, hidden in plain sight is (fun fact!) just a dildo with a plaque that says, “YOU’RE A WINNER!”

Sources went on to reveal while certain rumors (at least “the super gross” ones) have been open secrets for decades, most off-the-record insiders would “beg to differ” as Mr. Davis is said to be only seriously interested in “splashing a little Lanolin around one, maybe two” nutsacks, according to the “About” page on his website (and Gail, his publicist). She further enumerated (extemporaneously!) how certain rumors (see also: “the super gross” ones) likely meant dredging up “more traumatizing ancient history, and for the umpteenth time!” alluding to what she described as “baseless, fifty-year-old claims” about the night Rod Stewart “almost” died, and was briefly hospitalized “when gallons of equine ejaculate” got “pumped from his stomach” and how “that same night Clive is alleged to have blown all of The Oakridge Boys.”

Later adding, “…at least supposebly!”

No word yet on whether Davis, a proud grandfather of three, will be serving as Grand Marshall in this year’s Boston Straight Pride Parade. That said, the surviving members of R&B supergroup TLC are still set to perform their smash hit “Creep” at the 63rd Annual Grammy Awards tonight, and for absolutely zero money (as the Recording Academy is loath to break with tradition). The broadcast will air tonight (8pm/6pm central) LIVE from Los Angeles at Shrine Auditorium, only on ABC.