Dracula Buys Pirate Ship, Finds Eye-Patch

SatireNovember 2020

LONDON ↦ Speaking with one eye visible, it (somehow!) described the encounter in great detail. “I am a visual person,” she says, with a distracting, performative accent, “but my friends just call me Drac.”

Smiling, the friendly, vamp-toothed Drac readily admits punching “that boat realtor Stacy in the arm [over the price] absolutely punctuated the surprise!”

“Like, definitely check with her or whatever,” later adding, “cuz I just couldn’t believe it.”

A bold addition to any wardrobe, traditionally worn for medical reasons, the eye patch has been a “definite game-changer” and subsequently remains in constant rotation. “I used to have a pimp cane for awhile, but then I lost it…” she explains.

“Then like, literally? I saw it! Saw it just the other day.”

Self-described as “fifty-something & fun,” this gonzo gay den-mother (and wealthy divorcée!) says she used to be a part-time dancer.

“But that was before all the karaoke.”

Given her limited depth perception, friends of this Dracula have become increasingly concerned, due to its natural clumsiness. A recent uptick in “harrowing stair-climbs” and “nerve-wracking attempts at getting safely into elevators” is no longer a source of tension, but at present, remains a “clear cause for alarm.”

Independently wealthy, her routine alcohol abuse and “recreational” barbiturate consumption combined with increasingly ardent “outright refusals” to “take that thing off anymore” are troubling signs the eye patch is no longer of passing concern.

Or as one family member put it, “yeah, it’s officially a problem.” Bluntly declaring, “Bad enough she bought a pirate ship!”

At press time, “that boat realtor Stacy” who (is actually named Brigitte) could not be personally reached for comment, however, her office did reach out via email to say, “Yeah, no one’s ever called her Stacy.”

↯ STAFF REPORTER