Dracula Buys Pirate Ship, Finds Eye-Patch

SatireNovember 2020

LONDON ↦ With a single eye visible, it described the encounter (somehow!) in great, visual detail. “I’m a visual person,” she says, with a distracting, performative accent, “but friends just call me Drac.”

Smiling, this friendly, vamp-toothed Drac readily admits how punching “that boat realtor Stacy in the arm [over the price] absolutely punctuated the surprise!”

“Like, definitely check with that boat realtor,” later adding, “I just couldn’t believe it.”

A bold addition to any wardrobe (traditionally worn for medical reasons), the eye patch has been a definite “game-changer” and subsequently remains in constant rotation. “I used to have a pimp cane, but I lost it… Then like, literally? I saw it! Saw it just the other day.” Self-described as “fifty-something & fun,” this gonzo gay den-mother (and wealthy divorcée!) says she used to be a part-time dancer.

“But that was before all the karaoke.”

Given her limited depth perception, friends of the Dracula have become increasingly concerned (due to its natural clumsiness). A recent uptick in “harrowing stair-climbs” and “nerve-wracking attempts getting safely in elevators” is no longer a source of tension, but at present, there is “clear cause for alarm.” Independently wealthy, her routine alcohol abuse and “recreational” barbiturate consumption – combined with increasingly ardent “outright refusals” to “take that thing off anymore” – the eye patch is no longer a passing concern. Or as one family member put it, “yeah, it’s officially a problem.”

Later adding, bluntly, “Bad enough she bought that pirate ship!”

At press time “that boat realtor” – named Bridgitte (“Never Stacy!”) – could not be reached for comment.

↯STAFF REPORTER