Enter to Win!
Your looks? They’re good. That's a given! And also a dead horse that we’re gonna beat (sorry PETA!) but since you’re here, why not slide into these DMs for a chance to win (a signed copy of!) Linda’s epic tome!
REMEMBER ! ! ! INPUT & DELETE ALL FIELDS → IN RED ← ALWAYS SPELL-CHECK ! ! !
Mr. Governor (Your Eminence/Her Highness?)
1234 Trash Bag Avenue
Austin, Texas 78701
Dear (Mr? Honorable!) Greg,
This letter officially terminates the implied agreement between us, effective → today’s date. ←
Remember when you were “governing” a whole united state? Please stop. I ask this nicely. You’re bad at this job. People can see it. Also, full disclosure: I did not vote for you. I would not vote for you, not even for → county dog catcher. ← Please understand my position is intractable, adamantine, and based solely upon piss-poor performance(s). It is not because of party affiliation(s) or politics, but rather a consistent lack of judgment. All the time. Every day. This includes → actively putting kids at risk ← which aren’t even → things I have ← and do not → make sounds I understand. ← That said, even in a supervisory capacity, it’s unlikely you are allowed to → murder them. ← Regardless, your position on → masks & science ← indicates a further lack of compunction, values, and/or any moral compass. It suggests you are beyond any “actual leadership.” You are objectively bad at this job. This includes → things you’ve said & continue to say ← and calls into question both → you & your whole thing. ← Additionally, despite repeated attempts to → check for brains, ← the fact remains you do not → appear to have any. ←
This leaves us no choice.
Moving forward, no longer will you engage in any political “activity” in an official capacity. I’m here. Others live here. Too many are watching. Based on your “governing” thus far, somehow more (not less!) people are in hospitals. For clarity, “more” means “worse.” You helped with “that.”Also, hospitals are those big places that, at present → don’t have room ← where makeshift tents → are a thing ← erected in parking lots where your mom → insert dick joke here! ← At present, no known evidence exists (I checked!) of any tangible, basic comprehension (double-checked!) on your part that you “get it.” In fact, an alarming amount of other public information reveals you “don’t.”
Elected officials (this means you!) can make policies. Those policies (yours seem bad) affect all of us. They can be dangerous (or bad, like yours!) and we cannot assume you find this self-evident. As such, kindly leave. You should not do this anymore. In fact, just go bye bye. And please, do this now. Empirically, this is better for A) you and B) the rest of us. Left to your own devices, it is not known or clearly understood (based on your track record) what “ideas” might be next, if you are allowed to stay. Aligning yourself with legal solutions (a writ of mandamus, for example) to reverse the devastating spikes of hospitalizations in this state (a big one!) signifies the following: that you still don’t get how numbers work (“more” = “worse” remember?) which is both problematic (maybe try Chis-An-Bop!) and likewise suggests your priorities are fucked. Never mind being → 63 years old ← and → functionally that stupid, ← meaning all bets are off. For all we know, you could just as easily institute → dropping hungry, bloodthirsty zoo animals from out of the sky ← to safeguard public school children, and as a preventative measure, it might help stop the spread of infection (assuming all the hungry zoo animals didn’t have the virus!) depending on how many children were eaten (and died!) but they would still be dead.
And at this point? You could still think → that’s a good idea ← and is synonymous with “public service.”
Incidentally, it’s not.
Your ambition is blind. Your instincts are bad. Your aspirations of higher office are misguided at best, and so politically craven they border on farce. Quite obviously, you are no stranger to life-threatening misfortunes, and as “governor,” you’re no doubt familiar with sustaining (all manner and type of!) transformative, life-crushing blows. This much is clear. However, if you are (as you purport) a person of faith (the word “man” does not feel right) then you will resign from office, effective immediately.
Then? You just leave!
Show us all you somehow possess the capacity for shame! Thus proving (once and for all!) even if you’re not capable of this job practically, demonstrably, or even intellectually, then at least you’re capable of two different (albeit lesser!) things: a single shred of decency? And maybe you could read. I’m not confident of either, but I am sure of this: I wouldn’t trust you to sit the right way on a toilet seat. Additionally, you may return all badges, keycards, etc., to HR → maybe Jessica? ← by close of business. Should you have any further questions, please → burn alive & nap in a fire ← before contacting → other Jessica? ← at 555-555-6969, Mon/Fri during → suck & fuck time. ← Thanks in advance.
Congratulations, and good luck!
T. Johns ↯ Concerned Citizen of Earth