Dracula Buys Pirate Ship, Finds Eye-Patch

SatireNovember 2020

LONDON ↦ With a single eye visible, it described the encounter in great detail (somehow!) with a distracting, performative accent, however, this “Drac” readily admits to “punching that boat realtor Stacy in the arm” over the price, which “absolutely punctuated the surprise!”

“Like, definitely check with that boat realtor, but…” later adding, “...I just couldn’t believe it.”

A bold addition to any wardrobe, traditionally worn for medical reasons the eye-patch has been a definite “game-changer” and has subsequently remained in constant rotation. “I used to have a pimp cane, but I lost it. And like, literally? I saw it just the other day.” Self-described as “fifty-something & fun,” this gonzo gay den-mother (and wealthy divorcée!) says she used to be a part-time dancer.

“But that was before all the karaoke.”

Given her limited depth perception, friends of the Dracula have become increasingly concerned, due in large part to a natural clumsiness as well as her recent uptick in “harrowing stair-climbs” and “nerve-wracking attempts” at “getting into” elevators. No longer a regular source of tension, at present “there is a clear cause for alarm.” Independently wealthy, her routine “alcohol abuse and recreational barbiturate consumption” combined with increasingly “ardent, outright refusals” to “take that thing off anymore” is no longer a dumb, passing concern...the eye-patch is officially a problem. Or, as one family member puts it, "It's bad enough she bought a fuckin' pirate ship!"

At press time, that boat realtor (named Bridgitte, never Stacy) could not be reached for comment.