At 93, Music Industry Icon Clive Davis Reportedly ‘Toying Around with’ Idea of ‘Bi-Sexuality’

SatireDecember 2020

BRENTWOOD, CA → When it comes to looking fly, how it all went, or when the fuck it all went down, nonagenarian Clive “The Bee Trap” Davis has always been about setting the latest trends. As evidenced above—smartly-clad in a Beetlejuice vest and looking fly as all hell—the natty “het” (i.e. slang for “heterosexual”) scamming some “tig ol bitties” with an anonymous friend at the 42nd Annual Grammy Awards is reportedly “busy just exploring right now.”

Staunchly averse to what is commonly known (within the sluttier-sex community) as “penetrative, anal-receptive sex,” the multi-platinum grammy-winner and media mogul is worth roughly $850 million dollars, and has a trophy room in his Bellaire home where (fun fact!) amongst his countless awards in prestige kept on display, there is also a golden dildo (with a plaque that reads “YOU’RE A WINNER!”) proudly hidden in plain sight.

Sources went on to reveal how certain rumors (“at least the super gross ones”) have largely been an open secret for decades, and that off the record, industry insiders would “beg to differ.” According to the “about” page on his public business website, Mr. Davis is only “seriously interested” in splashing a little Lanolin oil on “maybe one or two nutsacks,” an unsettling detail later confirmed by Gail, his publicist.  

Extemporaneously, Gail further enumerated about how certain rumors (i.e. the “super gross” ones) had recently been started “to dredge up ancient history for the umpteenth time!” Alluding to what she described as “baseless, fifty-year-old lies” over an old urband legend detailing the time Rod Stewart “almost died” (when he was hospitalized for drinking gallons of equine ejaculate” and “got his stomach pumped”) on the exact same night Clive “blew all The Oakridge Boys.”

Later adding, “...or at least supposebly!”

No word yet on whether Davis, a proud grandfather of three, will be serving as Grand Marshall in this year’s Boston Straight Pride Parade. The 63rd Annual Grammy Awards broadcast will air tonight (8pm/6pm central) LIVE from Los Angeles, only on ABC.