Enter to Win!
Your looks? They’re good. That's a given! And also a dead horse that we’re gonna beat (sorry PETA!) but since you’re here, why not slide into these DMs for a chance to win (a signed copy of!) Linda’s epic tome!
BRENTWOOD, CA → When it comes to looking fly or how it went and "when the fricking shiz went down,” dapper ninety-something Clive “The Bee Trap” Davis is all about setting the latest sexuality trends. The natty nonagenarian and “big time het” seen scamming on some “tig ol bitties” with an anonymous friend (pictured above) at the 38th Annual Grammy Awards, is reportedly “just exploring right now.”
Staunchly averse to what is commonly known in the sluttier-sex community as “penetrative, anal-receptive sex,” this multi-platinum Grammy winner is said to be worth about $850 million dollars. Grammy Fun Fact? The trophy room inside the industry legend’s Bellaire home doesn’t just celebrate a lifetime spent balls-deep cranking out sick beats. In fact, out amongst the mogul’s countless awards in prestige is a golden dildo proudly hidden in plain sight on permanent display—with a tasteful little plaque that reads, “YOU WIN!!! SIGNED, A LOVING FRIEND.”
Sources went on to reveal how certain rumors (at least “the super gross” ones) have been a decades-long open secret. However, off-the-record? Most industry insiders “beg to differ.”
According to the About Me! page on his website, Mr. Davis is only seriously interested in “splashing a little Lanolin oil onto “maybe one or two” nutsacks, not the “fifty-eight thousand” our sources previously suggested—an astronomical figure by even the sluttiest standards! Either way, with the exact number of nutsacks in question still up for debate, it's one of many unsettling details still conspicuously absent from any FAQs on his personal business website, a fact confirmed by sources close to the matter (and Gail, his publicist).
“Look, whether or not any other derelict industry moguls decided they wanna plaster a bunch of ramshackle, tumbledown sex kinks across their own personal business websites, it’s just not how Bee Trap [Mr. Davis] rolls.”
Extemporaneously, Gail further enumerated how certain rumors (i.e., the “super gross” ones) always get restarted “to dishonor the Grammys in any way?! No way. No sir!”
Audibly rolling her eyes, “as if that’s even possible,” Gail went on to explain these salacious and defamatory tidbits always get recirculated to dredge up ancient history, "and for the umpteenth time!” Alluding to what she described as “baseless, fifty-year-old lies” about an old urban legend “widely known inside the biz,” detailing the time a certain rocker “almost died” when he was hospitalized for having “gallons of equine ejaculate pumped from his stomach—on the exact same night Clive blew all The Oakridge Boys.”
Later adding, “...or at least supposebly!”
No word yet on whether Davis, a proud grandfather of three, will be serving as Grand Marshall in this year’s Boston Straight Pride Parade. The 63rd Annual Grammy Awards broadcast will air tonight (8pm/6pm central) LIVE from Los Angeles, only on ABC.
↯ STAFF REPORTER